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Definitions - Part 2

July 18, 2019

This is a follow-on to last week's Definitions blog entry.

Malloc() - A C library function used to slowly consume all system RAM. Sometimes not used on embedded systems to avoid memory leaks. Though malloc() does return an error code, most programmers know their code is perfect so never check it. Windows applications are immune from memory leaks since programmers can count on regular crashes to automatically release previously-allocated RAM.

McCabe Cyclomatic Complexity - The scoring algorithm in the Great Game of Programming. The current high score is held by Eric Allman for Sendmail, though legions of developers are working hard to beat even that impressive record.

Microsoft Project - A widely-used application that creates exquisitely-detailed colorful PERT and GANTT charts that no one reads or believes.

MISRA C - A set of guidelines meant to stifle the artistic freedom of fun-loving C developers worldwide.

Multicore processor - Moore's Law taken to the limit. A device that no one knows how to use and for which no tools exist.

OOP - Acronym for Outrageously Obfuscated Programming. See Procedural Programming.

Procedural Programming - The opposite of OOP, procedural programming is the art of exposing ones data to the entire system to facilitate easy interaction between components. Commonly used on systems bid on a cost-plus basis.

Recursion - See Recursion.

Reestimation - The process that follows the boss's shriek of rage when presented with a project's schedule. Also widely-used by the first wave of consultants hired to save a doomed project.

Schedule - See Lie, Mendacity, Deceit, Distortion, Fantasy, Fraud, and Deception.


Soft core - See Firmware.

Soft Real-time - An event that doesn't really have to be done within a certain timeframe, but that requires service, well, pretty fast. In a timely manner. Uh, like, don't make the user wait too long. So Linux, may it's name be forever blessed, is soft real-time, but Windows isn't. Got it?

Syntax error - The absurd behavior of a compiler when it encounters the almost legitimate C code that worked fine on Manx C version 0.9 in the early 80s.

SystemC - A technology that gives hardware developers all of the evils of software engineering.

UML - Acronym for Unified Modeling Language, a technique for making pretty pictures no one understands.

Warning - A message emitted by a compiler to try and convince the programmer that some program construct is likely confusing, wrong or dangerous. Because of the serious nature of warnings most compilers have a provision to turn most of them off. The rest typically go to /dev/null.

Watchdog Timer - the hardware and software used to reboot crashed code. Not used by developers who believe their code is perfect (see Delusional).

Windows - The golden child of operating systems. Answer to life, the universe, and everything. Most excellent example of perfection. Utterly without fault. Maintained by a band of devoted faithful whose primary mission is to strike down all favorable references to *that* other operating system which was spawned by the devil, promoted by his evil minions, and used only by clueless Slashdot-reading newbies. Under no circumstances see Linux.

Y2K - The first end of the world. Stay tuned for the Unix version in 2038.

8051 - The universal microcontroller architecture which was obsolete minutes after being introduced. In the year 10,000 AD someone, somewhere, will be writing 8051 code. Probably in COBOL.

Kevin Towers added this: Bus terminated project A project that is terminated when the programmer gets hit by a bus.

And these are from George Farmer:

Double What an engineer orders at the bar near closing time after a 20-hour coding marathon.

Agile In an environment where an engineer is expected to do more with less in a very short period of time, Agile is a set of methods that asymptotically allows an engineer to do virtually everything, with virtually no resources, in an infinitesimally short period of time.

Infinite Impulse Response The incessant reaction from the Bean Counters that your latest, perfect creation costs too much.

Finite Impulse Response The incessant but slightly constrained reaction from the Bean Counters that your now less-than-perfect creation, after much consternation, stripping out all that perfection by burning the Midnight Oil (most likely using Agile techniques defined above), still costs too much

Lightyear One-third less days than a regular year.

Here's possibly the Internet's biggest collection of computer jokes.

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